_It all began with an iPhone...
 
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an
iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

_I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when
she bought me an iPad.

_Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

_My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

_It was around then that the fight started...
 
I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with
the iWash, iCook and iClean. (This inevitably activates the iNag
reminder service.)
 
I should be out of the hospital next week!!

__At Christmastime while you are enjoying your time with family and friends, remember our military spending Christmas holiday away from their families and their country.  Happy holidays to one and all.


'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone, in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give, and to see just who in this home did live.
I looked all about, a strange sight I did see, no tinsel, no presents, net even a tree.
No stocking by mantle, just boots filled with sand, on the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds, a sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, it was dark and dreary, I found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone, curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder, not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night, owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play, and grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year, because of the soldiers, like the one lying here.
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone, on a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye, I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice, "Santa don't cry, this life is my choice; I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more, my life is my God, my Country, My Corps."
The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep, I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still and we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night, this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
The soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure, whispered, "carry on Santa, it's Christmas day, all is secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night.

_
Top Four 2011 Adult Jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

---------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------
Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. 
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion... He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
 
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied...
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too. '

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
===============================================

_
Below is based on a True Story at Ritz Epps.  D T was at the Gym attempting to get his workout on, and below is what had happen


THE SAD TALE OF THE OLD GUY . . .

An old guy, not in the best of shape, was working out in the local gym. Looking around, he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer who was helping a client nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that cute, sweet young thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down slowly and carefully, and then said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby".

I fell on the floor rolling, when the trainer told him that.

_What Love means to a 4-8 year old...
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.
Touching words from the mouth of babes..
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds ,
'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined
See what you think:

'When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time , even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'

Rebecca- age 8



'When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'

Billy - age 4



'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'

Karl - age 5



'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6



'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'

Terri - age 4



'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.'

Danny - age 7



'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing , you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'

Emily - age 8



'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)



'If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend who you hate , '

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)



'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it everyday.'

Noelle - age 7



'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'

Tommy - age 6



'During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'

Cindy - age 8



'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'

Clare - age 6



'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'

Elaine-age 5



'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford .'

Chris - age 7



'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'

Mary Ann - age 4



'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4



'When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)

Karen - age 7



'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross..'

Mark - age 6



'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.'

Jessica - age 8
And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry , the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard , climbed onto his lap , and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor , the little boy said ,

'Nothing , I just helped him cry'

_
IT PAYS TO  KNOW GERMAN


An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The  Amish Farmer shouts:  "Trinken Sie nicht  das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!"

(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have pooped in it!")

The man shouts  back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The  Amish Farmer shouts back in  English:

"Use two hands, you'll  get  more!" 

_    I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to
    religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
    I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....
    she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
    "pedophile!"  and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and
    I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
    spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
    him a hand-job.
    I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're
    banned from teaching altogether."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for
    half an hour, as I started to feel sick It's great though. It provides me
    with everything i need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the
    lot.."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
    17% said yes;
    11% said No;
    72% said "I am not understanding the question please.".
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
    because she can't afford batteries!
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at
    home.
    1st kid says "A computer".
    Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
    2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
    Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nothin."
    The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
    Little Johnny replies, "no I'm sure."
    "When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying,
    "Well, that's the last damned thing we need."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How
    do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling
    up!"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well... she's not
    exactly my girlfriend yet.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A wife says to her husband that "You're always pushing me around and talking
    behind my back." And he says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
    reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would
    like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the
    worst.
    So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
    children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good
    product name.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but
    they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber
    jackets.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
    towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose
    only reaches to the driveway.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN
       
    A real woman is a man's best friend.
    She will never stand him up and never let him down.
    She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
    after a bad day.
    She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
    live without fear and forget regret.
    She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
    his most intimate desires.
    She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
    handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
    sexy, seductive and invincible...

_

_*** ADULT TRUTHS *** HILARIOUS and SO TRUE!!! (Thanks to Candice Smith)

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
... ... ...
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

_
Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for 10 years & I have nothing to show
for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
& even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went
straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you
love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband
& wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER &
I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! --

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 9 years, although a good man is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown
out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything
if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I
stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away
from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After
all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit
the lotto for 9 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason,
I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take
care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a
problem.