_    I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to
    religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
    I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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    The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....
    she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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    Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
    "pedophile!"  and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and
    I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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    Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
    spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
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    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
    him a hand-job.
    I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're
    banned from teaching altogether."
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    Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for
    half an hour, as I started to feel sick It's great though. It provides me
    with everything i need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the
    lot.."
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    Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
    17% said yes;
    11% said No;
    72% said "I am not understanding the question please.".
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    The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
    because she can't afford batteries!
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    A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at
    home.
    1st kid says "A computer".
    Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
    2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
    Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nothin."
    The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
    Little Johnny replies, "no I'm sure."
    "When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying,
    "Well, that's the last damned thing we need."
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    A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How
    do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling
    up!"
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    My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well... she's not
    exactly my girlfriend yet.
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    A wife says to her husband that "You're always pushing me around and talking
    behind my back." And he says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
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    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
    reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would
    like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
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    My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the
    worst.
    So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
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    I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
    children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good
    product name.
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    There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but
    they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber
    jackets.
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    The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
    towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose
    only reaches to the driveway.
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