WOMEN
       
    A real woman is a man's best friend.
    She will never stand him up and never let him down.
    She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
    after a bad day.
    She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
    live without fear and forget regret.
    She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
    his most intimate desires.
    She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
    handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
    sexy, seductive and invincible...

_

_*** ADULT TRUTHS *** HILARIOUS and SO TRUE!!! (Thanks to Candice Smith)

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
... ... ...
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

_
Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for 10 years & I have nothing to show
for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
& even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went
straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you
love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband
& wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER &
I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! --

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 9 years, although a good man is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown
out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything
if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I
stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away
from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After
all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit
the lotto for 9 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason,
I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take
care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a
problem.

_ALL OF This is pretty gross...

Why Women Stay Single

It is not uncommon to look around and find female friends who have chosen to stay single. Initially, you might think that these women are not single by choice. However, there are many reasons why women stay single, including a decrease in heart disease risks, not having to deal with cheating men, and expanded career options. One of the reasons women may want to consider staying single is?

_
Results of a recent research showsthat there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: American Pension Sex.
* You get a little each month,
but not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE, DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME
WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. 

I have enough problems....................................

_THE $40,000.00 FUNERAL 



Jerry died.

His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Janis turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jerry would be pleased,' she said..

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda , who lowered her voice and leaned in closer. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Janis .. 'Forty thousand.'

'No way,' Brenda exclaimed! 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Janis answered, 'The funeral was $7,000. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and food cost $1,500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '$31,000 for a Memorial Stone?  

How big is it?'

 

....


...........

_
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly, then said, "You're A B C D E F G H I J K"

She asks, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable. Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot,"

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely... what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen........!